Today

My friend passed away today. She was 86 and had Alzheimer's/Lewy Barrs disease. "The mom" was the mother of my friend that lives around the corner from me. E and I go to dance class together and she worked with my husband until her parents moved here. Her father passed away shortly after moving here and E took over care of "the mom" which meant leaving her job and being a full time watcher. The mom was a feisty woman who only knew me as the girl who would "walk from Connecticut" to come visit. Over the last year plus I would go down to visit a couple of times a week, plus dinner out with E and her mom. E would tell me, "my mom just loves you, you live in her world". When her mom spent a day thinking she was a vampire/werewolf and was afraid to go anywhere because she might "hurt someone" I told E to get a cross and garlic give them to her mom and tell her it would "protect her" from the change so E could at least get to the grocery. When she thought she had to catch a plane to fly home I told her, "the flight had been cancelled and she would be leaving when the weather cleared". She had kept E up most of the week getting up and getting dressed to leave for the airport. I wasn't being ugly or mean I was living in her world and it helped E just a little bit. How many times can you answer the same question every day repeatedly? E was wonderful with her mom. Her quality of life was awesome. She was never left out because she was "feeble minded". She wasn't, she had just lost a day, every day. The mom and I discussed my life and hers every time we saw each other. That was OK, it was her world and she enjoyed what she could remember. She loved margaritas. Oh, she sure did! I would visit and we would have a toddie and discuss my day. I was there last Wednesday, we had margaritas and we visited. "The mom" even got after me because I was "making them too slow and she was thirsty". I really truly grew to love this woman who never remembered me. I told E several times "I wish I had known your mom when she had her memories". E would tell me, she would have loved you but, my dad would have really loved you. I couldn't see that but, it made me feel good none the less. E has been through what no one should go through. Can you imagine your mom not knowing you? Or waking up 8-10 times a night for weeks on end because she has to use the bathroom and her arthritis is so bad she can't get out of bed? How about taking the knobs off your stove and putting kiddie locks, guards on everything in your house because your mom may burn the house down or leave in the middle of the night. E was lucky in a way, her moms arthritis didn't get bad until the last few weeks, she was also having more moments of clarity over several days. The mom hadn't gotten to the point that we all dreaded...assisted living or a nursing home. It was out there waiting to pop its ugly head out but for E's sanity it hadn't gotten that far.

The mom passed away today. She got a bowel obstruction and within 12 hours she passed away from the infection. She had a living will and when surgery was ruled out because of the infection and her other organs were now reacting to the infection it was decided to let her pass as peacefully and painlessly as possible. The way she wanted. When they removed her last IV drip she stopped breathing, her heart kept beating. E left with her girls and her husband stayed till she was pronounced. I stayed with him. E needed to be with her girls and they needed to be together. K (her husband) and I went back to her room. Her heart was still beating 70 beats right on the screen. I leaned over and kissed her forehead and said "mom, its me crazy grammice, its OK to go to the light, your husband, sister and son are waiting, its' beautiful and you will be so happy, be safe, I love you and thank you for so much". I gave her a hug and her heart stopped. Just like that.

I'm sad for the loss of my friend, I'm sad because her daughter E has watched her brother and her parents pass away and she has "lost her family", I'm sad because in her own way the mom thought I was neat and she could do and say whatever crossed her mind and I accepted her and she taught me too. I'm sad because I lost a friend.