"You're gonna poke your eye out!"

Growing up my mother always said "No running with scissor", "Do you have on clean underwear? Because your not going to embarrass the whole family if your in an accident and your underwear is dirty." But the most famous of all was "You're gonna poke your eye out". No matter what we did the end result was we were gonna poke our eye out. After a rock fight we had with our cousins who lived up the hill from us my mother promptly beat our butts and said "how many times have I told you? Were you trying to put someones eye out?" No we weren't really, we were just trying to bean my other two cousins because they were older and meaner and they started it!
On our last camping trip I tried to "poke my eye out". But that wasn't all that happened on this trip of trips. To begin with we were suppose to leave first thing in the morning, but bipolar pitched a bitch and we didn't leave til 230p. Within 45 minutes of getting on the interstate we see 6 FHP cars radaring in the median, 1 hour into the trip it is now pouring down rain and we have passed two accidents. This goes on for the next 3 hours. We are pulling a 30' 5th wheel its raining so hard you can't see the hood of the truck, traffic has crawled to 40-45mph, people are pulling off the road but NOT leaving their flashers or lights on so you can see them and NOT kill them. As we get closer to our destination traffic slows to 25mph, its now a medium drizzle of rain, there is construction on both sides of the highway, orange cones, equipment I mean everything is sitting on the side of the road. We are 12 miles from the campground and we hear this whizzing sound and it sounds like its coming from the car next to us, but we don't see anything and keep inching along. About 2 miles later this family in the next lane yells over to us "Hey your front tire is flat". Son of a bitch! Front drivers side no less, the drizzle has now turned to a heavy drizzle as on "Q" and we have to pull into the mud in the construction area to try and change this F%$#@! tire. 15 minutes later the tire is changed! I am so not kidding you! We worked like a pit crew. No fighting, bitching nothing. He started the lug nuts, I finished them while he got out the spare, I slid off the flat he slid on the spare, I put the lugs back on, he put the flat in the back and came back to tighten the nuts. We were awesome. We slide back into traffic and arrive soaked, dirty and ready for a drink at the campground. Joy of joy my folks, uncle and aunt are waiting. I take one look at my mom and thought Shit shes' in a bad mood about something! You know how you can look at your mom and know that. Well, boy howdy I couldn't have hit the nail on the head any harder. Shortly after that daughter & her family pull in. I immediately hand the husband a beer, fix a vodka & grapefruit and grab the cigarettes. I hug my mom and
the first conversation went something like this:

Mom: Are you going to drink all night or you going to eat pizza with the family, do you even eat? You look anorexic.
Me: Yes ma I'm going to have a few drinks tonight. It was a rough stressful drive and I'm exhausted. Yes, I eat pizza, no I'm not anorexic.
Mom: What are the g-kids doing, where are they? You know you can't just let them run in the campground, this isn't your campground at home, your in da-da and there are pedophiles everywhere!
Me: I don't know go ask daughter shes' the mom. My kids are all grown up. Ma, just sit and relax lets' visit have a drink you need it.
Mom: Don't tell me what to do! (raises eyebrows and gives evil eye)
Me: I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just saying lets relax.
Mom walks away and is now searching for daughter. Yeah! Finally gets monkey off my back.
Dad: Hey daughter, where'd your mother go?
Me: To harass daughter. Thinks daughter is feeding kids to pedophiles.
Dad: (rolling eyes) Yeah, shes' been like this all day.
Uncle: I see you pissed off your mother.
Me: Wasn't me you guys did it before I got here.

Finally the pizza arrives, we all eat and folks decide to leave so we can get an early start in morning. In the meantime daughter is drinking and so is SIL. G-kids are in bed and we are waiting on son and g-friend to arrive from down south. By 1030 I'm dead and head into bed. Too much stress for one day & I just want to watch TV & sleep!
Next morning I get up get,take shower and while I'm combing out my wet hair and talking to son & g-friend I POKE MY EYE OUT!!!! O, holy shit! What my mother said was true! I wasn't paying attention and stuck the sharp prongs on my wide tooth comb in my eye!!! OMG, OMG! My eye is watering, I can't see and suddenly the white of my eye is beet red. It looked like a bad Visine commercial. Damn, damn, damn! 1 hour later I still can't see and since my folks live close to CG I call my mom.
Me: Ma, you busy?
Mom: (real low tone of voice) No, why?
Me; Whats wrong?
Mom: Got a migraine, what do you need?
Me: Mom, I poked my eye out.
Mom: WHAT!
At this point my mom now feels totally needed by her dumbass daughter and being an anorexic drunk is totally forgiven! (Truly folks we love each other we just have that mom-daughter thing every once in a while)
I then explained what happened, get daughter to drive me to their house. Give daughter debit card and her & my dad go get me an eye patch and eye cream. See my mom works for an "eye Dr." & has a friend who's' a pharmacist he told her what kind of cream & the eye patch! I put on the patch and daughter & I decided it needed personality. Her & sons' g-friend painted and "eye" on my patch so I wouldn't scare my nephew when I meet him for the 1st time.

GD-#1,Me,G-son

Son & I with patch.
Wasn't I just lovely? Do I look anorexic? LOL A little lit maybe but not anorexic!

The rain started Sat. afternoon. And it rained and rained and rained then it rained again! My nephew was adorable & his mommy is very nice & we had a wonderful rainy Saturday.

My nephew

My baby br., son, g-kids

My family!
Then on Sunday husbands family comes. We haven't seen most of them in 6-8 years. Sunday just re-defined why. I mean they are the husbands' family & he loves them. But daughter, son, me, SIL we are who we are and the two shall never mesh! Well right after we got family photos taken the rain started again. I mean instant torrential down pour! Daughter and I are slamming things under the awning and into the camper. Husbands family is slamming themselves in to their vehicles and hauling ass! Lets hear a big Hurray for lightening! My folks come back later in the rain & we are sitting under the awning drinking beer discussing the days events when husband steps up to go into the camper and hits his toe on the step and splits it open and breaks it, AGAIN!! There is nothing you can do for a broken toe, especially since my husband usually breaks his toes on a regular basis. I go get Neosporin and a band aid. About that time another huge crack of thunder and a lightening bolt the size of a mushroom cloud goes off! Folks haul ass into their vehicle, we yell bye and everyone splits for shelter!
We are going home tomorrow! Hallelujah!
It was a very long weekend. We love seeing my folks and we are done seeing the husbands side for another 6-8 years. Everyone has the one camping trip from hell. Ours wasn't near as bad as some I've heard but at least none of us were "Running with scissors" this time!

Mercy Golf

Well, the husbands friends all went out of town and work details this weekend so I begged to play golf with him. He pretty much plays every Sunday. This works for me, down time, remote control and etc. I stay home plan a fabulous dinner and do laundry, 5 loads max, so I'm happy with Sundays. Anyway, This Sunday, no laundry, no dinner to speak of so he takes me to play golf, Mercy golf.
Yee haww!!! We get there. I'm a 100-126 score he is much better 75-96 when he plays. We had two old ladies barely able to get out of the cart in front of us. 25 minutes into the 1st hole they are....just off the women's tees. OMG its gonna be a long morning. 2 1/2 hrs later we are just rounding the 10th hole a par three. They have been on this hole near as we can tell 15 minutes. They are just now getting to the flag. Husband says: I'm done I can't do this any more. I agree. We head home. I am 2 bloody Marys' into the game and he is very nice and says "its not you honey, Its the ladies in front of us". 1 1/2hrs to get to 9 holes!!! Plus they lost their putter and their driver sock so we had to pick up and walk the stuff up to them. The 1st lady had a handicap sticker on her cart. She could hardly stand up and she hit the ball about 2 ft. I told husband "be nice that could be me 1 day". They were really nice, but Sunday is the busiest golf day of the week....Why would you put them 1st at 830a? For those of you who play golf you will understand the frustration, for those who don't...its' like being stuck in rush hour traffic doing 5 mph and your exit is less than 30 ft. in front of you. So, despite my frustration at playing a lousy game I can blame Mercy golf on the 2 little old ladies playing in front of us. I don't get to play too much with husband, he gets frustrated with me. Not playing fast enough etc. But, In my mind you can never win at golf. I don't play seriously. I like music when I play, I like to drink when I play. The course will win every day. Me? I'm outside in the sun on a Sunday, drinking bloody Marys' batting a ball around in the grass. Come on...Have fun, relax. Get over all the fancy stuff. You're not Tiger Woods. Nobody is paying you to be here. You are PAYING to get your ASS kicked by a ball. My dad says Golf is like watching grass grow. You know what? Behind those two ladies today....he is soooo right!!!

Was gonna do a post but......

Just wanted everyone to know that I WANT to do the post about our last trip. But, daughter has not downloaded the pics yet and I can't do mine because camera is in NY being repaired. She says she has been busy. I'm not so sure. I mean 13 has only had 1 game and 3 cheer practices the last week. Plus we all know as of late that she has had time to post. I think shes trying to make me look bad.

Anyway, as soon as she finds the time to help out her mom...who changed her diaper, washed and bandaged her boo-boos, read her diary when she wasn't home and saved her butt a gazillion different ways over the last 32 years I will do the post that I have been working on in my head for the last 2 weeks.

Dog-A-Ria

Just a quick "this is how my week is gonna start" post.
Sunday morning our best/oldest dog Munch, wakes up with the dog-a-rias. Thank God he barks, pants and paws you to go outside. Open screen door, hauls ass, I mean tail tucked flying straight for very back wooded area of yard. If he were human his butt cheeks would have cemented together from the force of squeezing so tight. We do this several times through out the morning. I'm doing laundry, the dog is shitting in the woods and husband is playing golf. Sounds fun huh?
Finally around noonish he settles down and is just laying out on the tile floor, dog not husband. Husband gets homes, Munch so happy, no sign whatsoever of the lethargic, dog-a-ria from earlier that I had to deal with. Husband states "well, he seems to be fine now."

Around 830p husband says he just cleaned up very bad dog-a-ria in living room. Uh-Oh. Not Munch? I say hopefully. We both look down at Munch who is now foaming at the mouth, eyes all cloudy, breathing very hard. Shit! Clean off mouth with paper towel, gag repeatedly. Run dog outside quickly. Nothing! He sits on stoop and looks at us.

Decide I am taking him to vet 1st thing in AM. He's old, hes' our baby & we just know he is dying before our very eyes. Call daughter to tell her. Miss Sympathy says "Well, that's what happens when you own dogs, you get attached, they die. Just give him a TUMS he will be fine". She uses TUMS for everything, ear aches, stomach problems, burns etc. No sympathy there. We decide to cover the guest bath in an old blanket, turn on the little nitelite and let him sleep in there. At least if he got dog-a-rias in the night it was confined & I could just throw the blanket away.
I go to bed at 945p at 130a I am still wide awake. I'm worried about Munch, keep getting up and listening at door to make sure I can still hear him breathing, worried about how much this vet bill will cost, what should we do if he is really bad?
Evidently at some point I fell asleep, must have been deep sleep. Husband rolls over and hits me upside my head with a pillow. I say something and roll over. He swears he never touched me. At 530a he is telling me that I started snoring so loud I woke him and the cat. Still swears he never touched me.
First thing I ask,"is Munch still alive?" Oh yeah, he's right on peachy keen! Wagging his tail, jumping up and down, smiling with his "good morning, Mom" smile!

I hug his neck and say "Stupid F&^&%$ Dog, you were on your death bed last night!"
He smiles at me like my kids used to after they kept me up all night. Damn Dog!

A Mother of boys post

When daughter got pregnant for the third time I prayed and prayed it would be a boy. Three girls was more than anyone deserved. Trust me. I would raise a house full of boys before I raised one daughter ever again. I adore my daughter, lord she should light a candle for every day she was alive after 12. At 12 her brain went on vacation and her mouth went into gear. Between the ages of 18 and 21 she regained brain skills but the mouth was still there, just more educated. Sometime there after she regained use of both in a reasonable split of common sense and age. Occasionally the 12 year old sneaks out, but it happens to all of us at some time and the language becomes foreign...as in "pardon my french you @!#@$#%^^%!"

So we have our boy and as you have seen he is an absolute joy......most of time.
Then we have the beginner episodes like haircutting and riding our 4-wheeler UP the slide. Jumping into the pool at the deep end with no floaties. Never gonna do that one again. At four he is just starting to come into himself. I said a few posts back that if I found my favorite e-mail about "The mother of boys" I would post it. Well, here it is:

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tie d to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fa n as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not ma k e good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

My grandson is curious. That's a nice term for "he is going to do all of this and more". As the song goes "a country boy will survive", but will his parents?

On another note. My next post will be about vacation. I wanted to include pictures. But, when I changed batteries to download the pics nothing happened. Changed batteries again, nothing happened. Tried one more time..ooo flashing lights, nothing happens. Bust out manual under "Trouble shooting". Problem is not listed. Call Olympus.
"So sorry Mrs. Dumb ass you have to send your camera to NY because we don't know whats wrong, be sure and remove your picture card, include a written description of your problem and a return address. We will contact you in FOUR TO SIX WEEKS"!!

I have a feeling my camera posts will end up like Kat's Kyocera phone posts!
I have decided to go ahead and do my post about vacation with a few pics the daughter will send me. See you in a few days.